15 Secrets to Finding Real Love


Often, people think that they have to learn how to master love when they’re already in a relationship. In reality, who you are before you ever fall in love says much more about how your relationship will work out. You might be surprised to learn that most of the work of creating true love in your life is actually done before you ever meet “the one.”

I have watched my clients and friends (and, not to mention, myself) find true love, and there are a few common themes in what comes beforehand.

Here are eight things you must master before you can invite real love into your life:

1. Don’t focus on finding a partner. Focus on building a great relationship with yourself.

If you want anything in life to work out, you must have a trusting and loving relationship with yourself first. This is the primary focus in my life coaching work, because a positive self-image truly paves to road for any happiness, opportunity, and lasting joy in life.

Check in with yourself: how do you treat yourself? How do you speak to yourself? How do you hold yourself back and why?

2. Replace anxiety with faith.

People who have found real love, didn’t get permanently caught up in anxiety, believing they will never find love. Rather, they remember to trust in divine timing. Negative, fearful thoughts only increase anxiety and an anxious mind never speaks nicely to the self.

Your thoughts create your reality, so by thinking negatively you’re essentially manifesting what you don’t want. Train yourself to think positively, expecting the good.

3. Believe (and really believe) that you deserve to be loved.

This is a frequent underlying (often unconscious) limiting belief that many of my clients carry with them: fear of not being good enough and not being love-worthy. It’s the number one way in which many people sabotage themselves and their quest for love.

If you don’t believe you’re love-worthy, why would anyone else think that you are? You have to shed this limiting belief and stop sabotaging yourself with your thoughts about yourself if you want to find true love.

4. Learn to receive the love that is offered to you.

It’s a bit counter-intuitive, but receiving is a much more vulnerable act of showing yourself to another person than giving. You are basically telling another person, “You make me happy,” which is both a very empowering statement to make and one that makes you feel vulnerable.

The question is: can you show gratitude and pleasure to other people openly and without feeling ashamed or guilty?

5. Let go of your checklist of must-haves for your ideal partner.

While it’s good to know what you like and don’t like, you also don’t want to narrow your worldview and create stubborn tunnel vision. Must-have lists are formulated from a head space, but the head isn’t what falls in love or has compassion during inevitable tough times.

Often, the qualities you will most appreciate and honor in your partner are the ones you didn’t even know you needed. Loosen up and trust that life will send you the love of your life!

6. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Are you interpreting every ever-so-slightly confusing signal you get from a potential mate as an offense to you and a red flag or a sign that they aren’t trustworthy after all? Or are you able to stop yourself from over-analyzing everything and believe that the person you have met has their heart in the right place?

Believing in the good of another person, even if you have been disappointed, will make your life much more free and joyful. Don’t let past experiences determine your future.

7. Become an effective and honest communicator.

You cannot selectively be a good communicator with some people and a terrible communicator with others. You are either someone who has the integrity and the courage to be heard and speak their mind honestly, or you are hanging on to a tendency to suppress, avoid, or silence communication.

The good news is that communication patterns can be worked on and improved pretty much every second of your waking life. Ask yourself, “Am I honest and sincere with myself? Am I expressing myself in full integrity to what I truly think and feel?”

8. Look for good role models.

Role models matter greatly, because we learn from observing others starting the moment we were born. Even if you parents weren’t in the greatest marriage, you can look to other relationships that you admire and pick out the attributes you like the most.

When observing couples you respect try and identify exactly how the couples supports each other. How do they speak to one another? How do they show each other love? By asking these questions, you are essentially increasing your awareness for the kind of relationships that do work, rather than having a running list of things you don’t want in your own love life.

In the comments I’d love to hear from you: what can you do and improve upon now that will help make your future relationship bloom freely? I’ve seen hundreds of people work on themselves, change their expectations, and learn to embrace who they are. I know you can do this too!

7. Know your true value

The greatest love you could ever invest in, is the love that you have for yourself. This isn’t about spending money on your physical appearance or becoming arrogant and self- absorbed, but rather knowing your true value as a woman and living your life in accordance to what you are deserving of.  The way in which we let people treat us is usually a reflection of how we see and values ourselves, and so often to others (not necessarily ourselves) it becomes quite evident of how much self- love we really have. Once you know your worth you’ll stop giving discounts and start to feel whole and happy even as a singleton.

8. Live a life you love daily

The best thing about life, is that the majority of us were born with a choice of how to live it. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day routine, we can often feel like we are getting stuck in a rut and waiting for the next opportunity instead of actively seeking it out. However the only person stopping you from creating a life you actually love is yourself! When you build a life you don’t want to take a holiday from, you will find that daily existence also becomes a joy. Simple steps and choices all work together to form the ideal reality that you really long for, so start today by making better decisions and having an understanding that it IS POSSIBLE to love life everyday .

9. Declutter and get organized

When your environment is full of rubbish, turmoil and chaos, it usually reflects that your life, mind and spirit is too. By cleaning out the old you are effectively giving the new permission to enter in.  Even if you feel like your head and heart are all over the place, you can at least bring a sense of order to your home and personal space by organising and decluttering the space. It’s amazing how our home and surroundings can really affect our mood, so get rid of anything negative or unnecessary and start creating a new physical foundation to build on which makes you feel at peace, in control and positive.

10. Write a list of what you want

Life and love is difficult enough without us having to wander through it without a clue of where we are actually going! Grab a pen and piece of paper, or a computer and start writing out what it is you want in life! Be honest, get down to the nitty gritty and be specific, this is your life we are talking about after all. The lists I like to write to give myself clarity and a sense of direction are:

  • Yearly goals of what I want to achieve
  • A list of who I am and what I have to offer to the world
  • A list of my dreams and the purpose and passions I have
  • A list of the dream relationship I am deserving of
  • A list of the dream man I hope to marry!

Don’t limit yourself, write more if you feel the need to, just put them somewhere where you can see them daily and be reminded of what you are waiting, fighting and dreaming for!

11. Learn the difference between compromising and settling

Love isn’t meant to be second rate and hence why you shouldn’t have to settle for second best. We tend to get confused or complacent after a few bad relationships, heartache or years of waiting, and so we forget out value and what we are deserving of.  On the opposite hand, when your expectations are so high that you can forget to be flexible and compromise in a healthy way. Know the difference ladies, know your worth and then you will find the balance that you are after.

12. Know when to chase and when to wait

We live in a fast pace society and often become impatient when things don’t come in our timing. It’s hard to wait for the real thing when we have access to so many other second rate options along the way (although at the time, we don’t see them as second rate, but rather an answer to a need we have). Chasing men will get you nowhere, chasing dreams on the other hand will see to it that you live in your potential and are filled with purpose. By all means we need to still initiate things with males (unless we want to die alone with 42 cats) but we also need to know where boundaries need to be set. Sometimes when you put down the good, it’s because you are meant to pick up the great, so don’t be afraid to wait a little.

13. Nurture what you have

It’s so important to understand not only your self -worth, but also the worth of what good things you have in your life. Relationships take consistent hard work daily and they need to be fed and watered to continue growing healthily. Don’t neglect yourself, your health, your appearance or your partner! Try to be conscious of every decision you make, the words you speak and the actions you make; it’s not easy but the reward will be worth it!  When we appreciate and nurture what we have been given (including our own life ) we in turn live with more gratitude , joy and peace.

14. Be authentic

To find real love, you must first emphasize your true self. If you want someone to love you through your moments of imperfection, you must first be willing to do that for someone else. Be real with yourself, so you are ready for someone else’s authenticity.

What really makes you happy? What do you really want out of life? It’s easy to get caught in a pattern of pleasing others, and doing what seems popular or “normal” at the time. If you shift your personality, passions, or purpose to appease another person, you are not being your true self. People are attracted to authenticity. Get to know yourself, love yourself, and learn to act and speak authentically.

15. Be your best self

Though opposites can attract, you must first understand that “like attracts like.” You set the caliber for the individual you want to spend your life with. You wouldn’t look for a lethargic, gluttonous, stingy complainer with ketchup stains on their shirt, so identify ways to clean up your own act first.

Do you want to spend your days with a healthy person who takes care of their body? Then lace up those sneakers and get to the gym yourself! Do you want to surround yourself with a person who sees the best in people and situations? Then stop complaining! Do you want to find someone who strives to live each day with grace, joy, purpose. and integrity? You get the idea. . .

16. Be confident

Be confident in yourself, your decisions, and your ability to attract love into your life. If you are being your authentic, best self, this confidence will radiate from you in a glow of self-worth. You will attract someone who recognizes, appreciates, and loves who you are.

Foster this confidence by knowing that you are whole and complete just by being you. Understand that a soul mate is nice to have, but not a must-have. You, alone, are enough.

17. Be open

If your desire is to meet someone new, then you must be willing to connect and open up with the people around you. If someone next to you in the coffee line strikes up a conversation, be willing to engage. Even if that person is not to be the love of your life, practice openness anyway. Developing this energy of openness will help you facilitate iterations that may lead to lasting relationships.

18. Be happy

Perhaps the most important secret of this list is to be happy. Everyone wants to be around happy people; happiness is magnetic. So focus your energy on thinking about and doing the things that make you happy.


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